1. There just wouldn’t be a rebellion against the Empire.
2. Mos Eisley would have a lot more speeder accidents.
3. The deicison to hunt the droids would take the Empire years.
4. There would be a new emperor every 12-18 months.
5. Admiral Motti would have been let off the hook after apologizing with a deep bow rather than being force choked.
6. Local hunters would kill and eat the Sarlacc and claim it was both “culturally important” and “scientific research”.
7. Han and Chewie would turn themselves into the authorities despite the fact that the investigators had absolutely no clue how to catch them.
8. Textbooks would fail to mention the “Alderaan incident” but, when pressed, the writers will claim it was done to alleviate poverty on the planet.
9. Darth Vader would have tentacles and his interrogation of Leia would have been……..erm, different.
10. Every non-human looking alien would have big eyes, huge t*ts and not wear much.
11. Dagobah would be completely covered in concrete with vending machines as far as the eye can see.
12. Mace Windu would have to smile more or everyone would think he was “kowai” (scary).
13. The locals would constantly ask Han Solo stupid questions like “Do you have Ewoks on your planet?” and “Can you eat Tauntaun?”
14. Princess Leia would wear her metal bikini on Hoth whilst constantly saying “samui” (cold).
15. The Millenium Falcon would have a line of furry ‘Winnie the Pooh’ and ‘Hello Kitty’ toys in the cockpit.
16. Greedo would still be alive as neither he nor Han would dare to shoot first and upset the Wa.
17. Speeder bikes would veer all over the place as their pilots tried to ride them while holding an umbrella in one hand and sending an e-mail on their phone with the other.
18. Admiral Ackbar would be a delicacy.
19. The members of the cantina band would also be on every single commercial and TV show, despite having no discernable singing or acting talent whatsoever.
20. Princess Leia, as pretty much the only female in the entire galaxy, would have to get up ridiculously early in the morning to make lunch boxes for everyone.
21. The dark side would have it’s origins in Korea.
22. The death star would have thousands of unprotected weak spots as the bureaucracy argued over whose responsibility it was to fix them. The sheer volume of paperwork generated would take the bulk of the stormtrooper ranks just to haul back and forth between departments.
23. No-one would leave their home planet except to vist nearby, safety planets where everybody could speak their language.
24. Han Solo would still live with his parents.
25. There would only be `Japanooine` All else would simply be referred to as `Outsideraan`
26. Stormtroopers would never leave their starships except to check Outsideraanians speeders and ID badges.
27. The galaxy wide fireworks display at the end of Episode VI would have disastrous consequences as everyone shouted “Sugoooooooooooi” at once while furiously clapping their hands one inch in front of their faces. The shock wave would crumble most planetary infrastructure…but nobody would notice until the show was over.
28. The giant worm thing that lives in the asteroid cave would definitely be pixelated.
29. Greedo and Han would never be able have their conversation in the Cantina. Although Han would have studied Greedo’s language for 6 years in school, he wouldn’t be able to hold a basic conversation and would just nod his head the whole time instead….. and then he’d complain to the Mos Eisley cantina staff.
30. Luke and Leia would never be born because Anakin wasn’t interested in sex and thought relationships were ‘mendokusai’ (troublesome).
31. ‘May the force be with you’ would become ‘May you not disturb the wa’
32. Only certain people would be able to appreciate the changing seasons, or eat food with sticks.
33. There would be dire need for ‘women only’ escape pods.
34. Han Solo would constantly be complemented on his proficiency with a blaster and asked if they have blasters on his home planet.
35. The ewoks would compliment C3PO on his Japanese Ewokian ability, but then comment to each other about he still sounded like a forienger, and the ewok language of clicks and whistles is very difficult, if not the most difficult language in the Empire.
36. Death Stars would be getting built at the rate of one a week, only to be torn down after a few years and rebuilt again in a week. They’d have column upon column of neon signs going up the side of them, huge TV screens broadcasting the latest intergalactic hits from the Imperial charts (I-Pop), and lots of cute girls in Tie Fighters flying around outside handing out tissues.
37. Travelling by hyperspace would be a real drag during rush-hours, with thousands upon thousands of spacecrafts all piling in there.
38. Other questions the Ewoks would ask Han would include “Where are you from?”, “Why did you come to Endor?”, “Do you like Endorian food?”, “Do you like Ewoks?”, “Can you speak Ewokian?”, and “When are you going back to Tatooine?”. Han would get extremely riled by this, smile politely, then go and bitch about it to Chewie afterwards.
39. Boba fett would have to wait until Han Solo got a face change before catching him.
40. Older Ewoks would explain to Outsideerians that there are four seasons and constantly ask if their planet has four seasons too.
41. The secret plans to the Death Star would not be hidden in R2D2. Leia would write it all on her hands!
42. One of the most common beginnings to Ewok sentences would be “We Ewoks…”
43. Or “On Endor…”. The Endor way of doing things would always be the best, despite the fact that none of them had ever been more than 5km away from their home tree and seen any other life forms in generations.
44. The people living on the planet with the second biggest economy in the galaxy would sit at their desks looking busy for all hours of the day, yet actually achieving very little, while smaller less developed planets slowly but surely catch them up and overtake them.
45. There would be one or two storm troopers at work building the Death Star, while 20 or 30 others guided starships around them in exactly the same pattern as the landing strips and lights already placed there for the exact same purpose.
46. Travel more than 20 miles, and you would need C3PO and all 6 million of his languages and dialects to get around.
47. The Jedi schools would be full of teachers who could`t actually use a light sabre but knew all the theory behind it so everyone would ace it on the written test but fail miserably at the thrust and parry in practical usage. To remedy this the alliance would import thousands of “native Jedis” but would resist any attempts at real teaching.
48. Padawans would just say “muzukashii”, “dekinai” or “lightsaber no tsukaikata zen zen wakannai!”.
49. Nobody would ever notice Vader’s breathing due to all the snot-snorting, noodle-slurping and teeth-sucking.
50. Outsideraans would comment on many things but would be told they couldnt possibly understand as they werent Ewoks.
52. Whilst rushing to escape from the Giant Space Worm the the Millennium Falcon would already be full so Han et al would have to reverse themselves on at the top of the boarding ramp pushing their way on in the process.
53. Luke and Ben Kenobi would remove their shoes when they enter the Cantina.
54. The garbage in the trash compactor would have been properly separated.
55. Stormtroopers would never even draw their blasters.
56. The Battle of Hoth would be postponed due to it being “Samui!”
57. The stormtrooper would say “itai” when he smacks his head on the doorframe.
58. The Millenium Falcon wouldn’t be able to blast off until other spaceships have arrived so as not to upset the flight timetables.
59. The cantina band at Mos Eisley wouldn’t have been playing instruments. They would have been lip-synching and dancing choeographically.
60. Vader: “Luke, I am your father”
Luke: “eeeeeeee”
61. The names would be changed to Luke-kun, Han-chan, Chew-chan, Leia-chan (she`s very cute), Darth-sama, Yoda-kun (technically speaking he should be sama given his standing but he is just too kawaii to not be called kun or chan). Lando would just be called Land.
62. The Millennium Falcon would be shortened to Mi-fa, speedbike becomes spi-bai, Landspeeder, la-spi and so on. Everyone would refer to their blasters as burasutaa-chan.
63. All the AT-ATs would have baskets on them.
64. Han and Luke would hold umbrellas on the remote ice-world of Hoth.
65. Luke would utter the word “oishii” before drinking his blue milk.
66. Luke Skywalker would never, ever turn off the GPS Navi system in his X-wing fighter.
67. Ben Kenobi and Darth Vader would bow before their dual.
68. Luke and Uncle Owen would have bough their droids from ‘Droid Off’ rather than from Jawas.
69. Darth Vader would have one of those vaporiser things from ‘Tokyu Hands’ to sort out that terrible rasping throat.
70. Luke would have been too busy going to juku to shoot wamprats.
71. Stormtroopers wouldn’t carry their buraasta-chan loaded.
72. Every time Luke mentions joining the Academy his uncle just inhales deeply through his teeth and mutters or whines about any old thing.
We Love You Japan xx
* I can not stress enough my gratitude to the message boarders on the ‘Lets’s Japan.org’ website whose many ideas contributed to this article. You know who you are.
** This article relies heavily on stereotypes and is just for fun and not intended to cause offence to Japanese people.
*** This ‘fun’ article was ready to publish about a year ago but then the awful events that began on March 11th happened and it just didn’t seem right to make even light-hearted fun of the Japanese at that time.
Tokyo Fox (東京狐) 