Talking Sh*t……

Was listening to one of Ricky Gervais’ podcasts (the worlds number one podcast. Fact!) on my iPod on the way to work the other day and struggled to control myself when they were talking about being too embarrassed to buy just toilet paper on its own as they didn’t want to be seen by the shop assistant as being in desparate need of a dump. They therefore felt the need to buy something else with the toilet rolls to make it look as if they are just going about their normal shopping business.

Anyway, this got my creative juices flowing and thankfully thats all that flowed! One of the most difficult and embarrassing experiences we teachers very occasionally have to endure is that of needing to ‘release the chocolate hostage’ during the middle of a lesson. If I am teaching three lessons without any gaps in-between (up to 3 hours) then I basically have to hold it in.

Despite being more than accustomed to Japanese food my body doesn’t always agree and as recently as last week I had to apologise and rush out of a 30 minute lesson twice for natures call! It was the longest ever 30 minute lesson and not such a good first impression to make on a new student!

Further problems can be had if I am in one of my schools where there is no western toilet. Although Japan is a land of super-gadget toilets (heated seats and jets that squirt in the precise spot etc) it is also full of the traditional Japanese squat toilets which one finds fairly impossible to use. The McSh*t may then have to follow which if you dont know is the idea where you go into McDonalds with only one intention. That being to use their clean toilets only.

If you’re just tucking into your coco pops and reading this over breakfast then hopefully I haven’t put you off!! Obviously I thought about putting that last comment as a warning at the top of this article but then i thought that would be boring and so changed my mind! I’m sure the one thing you wanted to know the most about life in Tokyo was my bowel movements! You probably think I usually talk sh*t and now I  have quite literally proved it!!

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The Walk Of The Town!

Think I’ve finally come to that point in my life where the pounds start to pile on and I can no longer survive on all the cr*ppy junk food I have been eating for most of my life. In light of this i have been trying to survive on a more balanced diet.

I was therefore very thankful to be given a walkometer by a student the other day which I have been constantly checking since then. He said that you should be looking to average around 10,000 steps per day or whatever it measures. Have been easily surpassing that every day so far mainly due to having many kids classes which keep me stood up and constantly moving and running around the classroom. I think I scored about 18000 on my marathon working day last Wednesday which is mentioned elsewhere on this site.

However, on Saturday i don’t teach any kids lessons so was a little taken aback at how few steps i had done. As a result I decided to walk to the next station to where I work to visit a ‘Book Off’ which is just a second hand book and CD/DVD store. The name of the store is sadly not a rude pun but basically just means book discount.

Anyway, the walk there bumped up my daily step tally although not sure if it did too much for my health as I ate a cake en-route! The only thing that balanced up was the one that I had had the day before which I don’t think is quite what is meant by a balanced diet!

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C*ck A Load Of This – Kanamara Matsuri 2006

Had one of those ‘only in Japan’ moments last Sunday afternoon when I went to Kanamara Shrine in Kawasaki for the “Festival of the Steel Phallus” celebrating fertility. I saw many pricks at the shrine but thats enough about the many gaijin that found themselves in the vicinity!! It wasn’t just foreigners though as every Tom, Dick and erm Willy managed to get themselves over to Kawasaki Daishi station to see this quirky little festival.

Due to my drinking excursions the night before I didn’t rise too early on Sunday morning nor was i up the crack of dawn! However I managed to pull myself together to get there at 2pm. I had informed a few friends of the festivities so thought it best to ignore my hangover and hope that the sight of a few todgers would wake me up. It was my ar*e that was on the line and I didn’t want a cock-up!!

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Fortunately I arrived just in time to see the giant pink penis on display and upright before it was put away. Honestly, I am not making this up just for the sake of some cheap nob gags. There was also a giant wooden penis and a dickhead helmet and some strange genital shaped crafts and candy. Seeing people in such a reserved country sucking away on such treats (thats the lollies and not the crafts) and having their photos taken in such compromising positions left a slightly bad taste in my mouth. Not literally though of course as I didn’t queue up for a couple of hours to get the penis lollies which were being made one at a time by some old bloke.

My protests to people that i was just there to see the cherry blossom and the temple was not swallowed by anyone. There was also live music, competitions of some kind, a congregation of transvestites and just a little bit of rain which, to use a very over-used cliche, didn’t dampen the spirits of the people who all had smiles on their faces after seeing such a unique celebration. Quite refreshing given the usual lack of expressions which I see from commuters on workdays.

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All Work & Lots Of Play!

The Japanese working day is ridiculously long compared to that in the west. The traditional nine to five working day is fairly unheard of and instead there is a ten till nine  day or something like that. Thats not to say that they do any more work than us but they have a culture whereby they feel the need to stay in the office until their boss has called it a day. This is also for fear of upsetting their colleagues and thus uspetting the social harmony of the office but i don’t agree with that in the workplace. It’s far more fun and usual to gloat to co-workers about your impending holidays or days off or whatever.

Luckily I work for a British company so don’t have to follow such stupid rules but yesterday I did get a taster of what such a long working day is like. I had to teach another Spring school kids lesson special between 10am and noon which was a small and very likeable group which I enjoyed very much and passed by fairly quickly. After that I had my regular schedule from 1 pm which also included lots of new kids classes as April brought about a new school year. Having arrived in the school at 9:30 am it was 9 pm by the time I left for a few cheeky pints.

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Hanami In Tokyo 2006

Just before i came to Japan a few years ago I read a book called ‘Hokkaido Highway Blues‘ by some Canadian called Will Ferguson who hitch-hiked from the south tip of Japan to the most northern part. He was following the cherry blossom trail which meant absolutely b*gger all to me. I enjoyed the hitching tales but never really got a grasp of what this ‘sakura‘ (cherry blossom) was all about.

Anyway, at present it is ‘Hanami‘ in Tokyo (it only lasts for  short period of time) which is where all the Japanese people get very excited about seeing the sakura and have parties in the many parks and gardens. Basically, just part of the Japanese culture and a calendar event which gives (even more) reason to get sozzled in a public place while enjoying the blooming flowers. The flowers just create a nice background and setting for the more serious business of drinking……………in my opinion!! No doubt millions of Japanese would disagree with me!

Having not particpated in such activity before I finally got my arse into gear and joined the masses on Saturday night in Ueno Park. This is Tokyo’s biggest park but not necessarily the best for sakura viewing. Absolutely thousands of people lined an avenue sitting under the trees on their cardboard mats and proceeded to drink and eat their way through the day.

Despite the crowds of people the place was still kept in very good condition with lots of bins provided for waste which the Japanese people actually use whereas in the UK we would maybe just dump it on the ground. Even though they are outside and sitting on a tarp they still tend to take off their shoes before they step on it.

My party of two arrived at 7:30 pm and we walked along the walkway drinking my six-pack of Asahi beer but we was quite shocked when there was an announcement at 8pm saying that it was over and the lights that lit up the cherry blossoms were gradually turned off. “Auld Lang Syne” then came over the public address system as happens often in Japan to signal it is finishing time. Although many people left for once a lot of people ignored it (Japanese people tend to live by and accept rules whereas we westerners usually want to break or push the rules as far as we can) and carried on regardless through the night.

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TF Film Review: Wallace & Gromit In The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit (2005)

Finally got to see the Wallace and Gromit film yesterday evening. Yes I know it came out about 7 months ago in the UK but it only just got released in Japan two weeks ago. I saw that it even came out on dvd back home before getting its release here. I don’t know why it takes so long for some of these film to appear. I’ve heard stuff in the past about this being due to time for subtitles and promotion to happen but I don’t see why it takes that long.

Anyway, I went to see it with all my mates (i.e. alone!) and thoroughly enjoyed it though I didn’t think it was as good as the three 30 minute episodes of recent years. Timing (85 mins) was not a problem though as I can just about concentrate for that long unlike when watching some of the recent epics such as King Kong (three hours long!).

Its fair to say my concentration is limited so I feel lucky that I have rarely ever had to watch a film with subtitles. I can only ever remember watching ‘Run Lola Run‘ (1988) in German and as anyone who has seen that film knows the subtitles are very very limited anyway. The Japanese however have to focus on the screen for the duration (whereas I can look away for a moment and not miss anything because I can obviously still hear whats happening) and even then they still miss so many subtleties. Puns don’t translate at all well so this is another problem given that there are a few good ones in the film.

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Tokyo Fox & Gromit

There were all of 16 people in the cinema for the Japanese subtitled showing (rather than the dubbed version) and the guy next to me fell asleep which is not too surprising given what I have said before about the Japanese always being tired and sleeping everywhere.

Another difference at the cinemas is that often the Japanese stay till the very end of the credits whereas in the UK we’re out and half-way home before they’ve ended.

Tokyo Fox Rating 8/10

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See You Bai Bai!!

A few weeks ago I wrote about a sad farewell and this last week has had a few similar moments. My school year is the same as the financial year meaning that a new year starts on April Fools Day. Its all change at my schools therefore and so this week I have had to say ‘See you bai bai’ (the Japanese interpretation of our goodbye) to a number of my kids.

The saddest of these was on Thursday when I had my last lesson with two of my favourite students. The two girls are both five years old and great fun to teach and well behaved  but with enough cheek to make it a bit more exciting for me to teach them. I find there’s no challenge in teaching kids who do everything you ask of them.

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The harsh reality of these farewells is that the kids don’t really care (it was the same for me when I was younger and teachers came and went) and that within a few minutes of their next lessons with the new teacher I will no doubt be long forgotten. I will have to see what my new schedule is like for the next term to see if they will become history or fondly remembered. In some ways I hope the latter but I don’t really want to become depressed about it if my new class doesn’t make me happy.untitled untitled

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I Feel The Earth Move!

I have always liked a sense of danger whether it be going snowboarding down the steepest of slopes, skydiving from 12,000 feet or doing three bungy jumps in one day including one from a ridiculously high 134metres. Anyway, thats enough of my showing off. All of those activities can be controlled to some extent but the danger that I experience (and actually quite enjoy!) in Japan is that of earthquakes.

Of course I am not such a madman that I want to see destruction and devestation but when the buildings shake I quite like the sense of not knowing what may happen or how powerful they are.

20% of the worlds earthquakes happen here as the country is located on the boundaries of at least three tectonic plates. During my time in Japan I must have experienced well over a thousand (probably more in fact) minor earthquakes and every so often a fairly big one comes along. There hadn’t been a notable one for a while until Tuesday night when the place shook for about a minute.

Every time there is one that is noteworthy I get asked by my students if England gets them. I have only ever experienced one and that went un-noticed by me. It was early 2003 and I was at my parents place which is next to a railway line and so vulnerable to shakes from the passing trains so when it really shook one night I just assumed it was a slightly more powerful locomotive than normal. I was then quite shocked to hear the following morning that we had had an earthquake.

So despite Japan being one of the safest places in terms of security it is potentially the one of the most dangerous in terms of natural disasters.

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Spring School – Done And Dusted!

I recently found out that I had to do four Spring schools on top of my regular schedule. These are basically a special two hour class for kids which the parents may or may not use as an excuse to get them out of their hair for a couple of hours.

Apart from the extra hours one of the hardest things about these schools is getting up at a normal time. I had to get up at 8:30 am this morning which is quite late when I’m in the UK but to get up before 10 or 11 am here is just madness and rarely done. Obviously I do work late every night and don’t like to do too much before work as I’ll then be tired in class and yawning in class is a big faux pas.

Luckily my Spring school schedule was reduced from four to one as there wasn’t enough demand in some of my schools. However, I did teach the biggest class today consisting of eight Kindergarten students. They were all cute kids but two hours is maybe too long for them to concentrate and focus, especially after the half-time break of some cheap unhealthy sugary treats.

Despite the fairly lame lesson plan (probably written by someone who hasn’t taught for a long time and has no idea about the reality of a lesson being different from what it says in the textbooks) it was good fun but I was quite exhausted by the end of the day. Thankfully, thats my quota of extra work done until the Summer schools take place.

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Hakuba Re-Visited Again & That’s Snow-Joke!!

The downside of my job is that I have to do 13 extra days cover work a year on top of my normal shift but the positive points are that I get so many more holidays than I did during my year with N#va. I had two days off this week on Tuesday and Wednesday and returned to Hakuba for another snowboarding session.

Its getting nearer the end of the ski season and so the snow was basically ice in the morning which was certainly enough to deter me from falling over (obviously that can’t always be helped!) as it bloody hurts when you fall on your ar*e or knees on such hard ground.

I left this time with my colleague Asif on Monday night. Having only done day trips I wasn’t sure what we had to do regarding our accommodation. I thought we would just go there after the first days snowboarding. However, we were taken there beforehand at about 5.30am. Being immune to most Japanese announcements and also being asleep (as well as not expecting it in the slightest) it is thought that the bus was stationed for one hour before someone woke us to tell us to get off. Not sure why it took the drivers so long to work out that White-San was obviously a foreign name and that it could surely only belong to the only gaijin on the bus!!

Asif hadn’t snowboarded before but pretty much took to it like a duck to water. In fact he reminded me at times of a terminator who just kept getting up after every fall. On the other hand I just tended to lie there laughing in pain.

The weather was mostly fine for the two days but did get very blizzard-like on the afternoon of day one and on day two I went home with a nice ‘rudolph’ (or even Peter Schmeichel) red nose from the days sun.

Our accommodation was pretty special given that we only paid 3000 yen for it included in the package (about £15). We had access to the public baths for another nude-fest which was much needed after a long day on the piste. An amazing tabe-hodai (all-you-can-eat) dinner was also provided which included so much nice Japanese food and after that I went to bed at just before 8:30 pm before rising the next morning (with not much pain in my body either) at 7 am where we were treated to another free meal.

Overall, another great trip north and I am now just sad that the season is over.

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